Exploring Perception and Reality | The Influence of Past Trauma and Language on Belief Systems

Tyler and Nicole navigate the emotional terrain where reality is often a subjective experience, shaped by our past and the expectations we carry into our present relationships. Whether it's the weight of respect or the struggle with vulnerability, this episode peels away at the layers defining our social interactions and responses to trauma, offering insights into the transformative power of understanding.

From the personal tales etched in ink to the systemic breakdowns affecting our youth, we wade through the murky waters of societal structures that sometimes fail those in dire need. We share heartrending stories from juvenile detention centers and discuss how punitive measures often fall short where empathy and compassion could make a real difference. The conversation also ventures into the realm of politics, underscoring the value of open-mindedness and the significance of listening – truly listening – to perspectives that challenge our own.

Wrapping up with a behind-the-scenes glance at Emotional Nightmares, we express our heartfelt thanks to you, our listeners, for embarking on this journey with us. As we share the domestic antics of Pickles and Pablo, our beloved pets, we invite you to revel in life's lighter moments amidst our deep dives into the human psyche. So, tune in for an episode that's more than just talk—it's an invitation to see the world through a lens of compassion and curiosity, one story at a time.

Chapters

• 0:12 Exploring Perception and Reality
• 10:47 Perception, Tattoos, and Miscommunication
• 15:09 Reflections on Broken Systems
• 22:34 Understanding Perception and Trauma
• 38:02 Podcast Updates and Thanking Listeners

Transcript

Speaker 2: 0:12

Welcome back. This is another episode of Emotional Nightmares. My name is Tyler.

Speaker 1: 0:16

I'm Nicole.

Speaker 2: 0:18

Bear with us. We changed the set around, so these lights are a little crazy out of control. But on today's episode, we're going to dive deeper into perception. On, I think, the last episode we just released, we talked about perception, and the one that we're going to release on Monday is all about red flags and about perception. So today we're going to dive a little bit into perception and what it is, what it means and how it really shapes the reality of our life. I mean, everything boils down to it, yeah Right. So first off, what is your perception of it?

Speaker 1: 1:06

What's my perception of perception?

Speaker 2: 1:08

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:15

So perception is your favorite topic. It's your very absolute favorite.

Speaker 2: 1:19

It is.

Speaker 1: 1:20

I think mine is more comprehension, you know. I think mine is more comprehension, you know, because there's a lot that goes into what builds our perception, that is, how we comprehend and understand things right. I mean, like that's why you know, schools try to give you literacy, doctors and healthcare professionals try to give you healthcare literacy. We try to give people mental health literacy. And so I think, when you think about the philosophy of it right creating the world that you live in, your perception of what that world is going to be is going to be.

Speaker 1: 2:04

Sorry, I'm caught, it's fine, it's fine I built us a coffee table, so it's a club adhd um, yeah, so I don't even remember what I was saying, but, um, yeah, so I think that when you have a lack of comprehension or low comprehension in certain areas right so, like social awareness, right, um, language comprehension, attachment comprehension you're just what is your ability to understand the world around you and how that builds your perception. So it's so complex when you think about, like, what perception is yeah for me.

Speaker 2: 2:44

I mean, I I think it's so complex when you think about, like what perception is for me, I mean, I think it's definitely a very complex situation but, like everything we do in life, is centered around your perception, your views and your values of the situation Right, of a situation right. So what I value in a situation, you know, like I said this on the last episode, is I can't expect you to have that same value.

Speaker 1: 3:15

No right.

Speaker 2: 3:16

So, like our perception, like you see it every day, right? Like arguments, every conflict, everything we have is based off of we perceive something to be happening a certain way, and a lot of that is a trauma response, right? So, like we had a situation happen, this was the outcome of the situation. So therefore it must be the same outcome. Come in this situation. So therefore it must be the same outcome, which is totally not real, right? So, um, you know, because what boils down to is like um, I always like, when I'm talking with you, know, my guys and stuff, and in group therapy, I always talk about like, well, what's your definition of respect? Right, because everybody has their. And they'll be like well, respect is earned. And I'll be like is it?

Speaker 1: 4:09

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 4:10

You know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 4:11

Yeah, we talked about that, I think on that last episode.

Speaker 2: 4:13

Yeah, like that's so ignorant, right. Like is it earned? No, like it's a given thing and like, therefore, if I feel that you have to earn my respect now, I'm in a bruised ego situation, right. So I think that you know man perception. Even taking a step further, you know we talked about like the relapse process, you know process with drugs and alcohol even. A lot of that is that when we had Chris on here and we were talking about grief and loss again, it was his perception of how he handled the situation. So perception really shapes the reality of what it is Like. If you think positive, positive things happen. If you think negative, negative, shit happens.

Speaker 2: 5:11

You know, what I mean, so I think that. So yeah, I mean you're right. Like, perception is my favorite topic, because it's the one thing that I think that if we can change our perception and change the way we think, we can then change our views on the world.

Speaker 1: 5:32

Yeah, yeah, I mean that's how I feel. I mean, that's my favorite thing when somebody started one way and then can come back and be like I thought or felt or valued this, I thought or felt or valued this, and then I learned more and I realized that I was wrong, or I realized that that wasn't the whole truth, or my perception has ultimately changed. I mean, I love those people. It takes a lot of vulnerability to essentially admit that you were wrong.

Speaker 2: 5:58

It's a big word vulnerability.

Speaker 1: 6:01

Yeah, and that's probably one of my favorite topics. Yeah, and that's probably one of my favorite topics. I mean, you have, like mental health moguls who have made their careers out of teaching vulnerability or coaching on vulnerability, and it is just like the human experience is superpower, you know, because a lot of people like you were saying that ability to like let go, that ability to not have control, but ultimately, like I think and I'm nobody so but I think that your perception is ultimately created by how much you believe you have control over one thing or another, and your perception is actually probably one of the only things that you really do have control over, like you know where. A lot of the other things you don't really.

Speaker 1: 6:57

You know, I learned this fun fact a while ago that, um, the you can tell how much a person struggles with control and again, I'm nobody so out of the thin blue sky I could have pulled this but you can tell how much somebody struggles with control based on if they'll get in an airplane, because in an airplane, like, you're not the pilot, you are very high up. You know you've got to do the whole gas mask first thing. Gas mask, you know what I mean. But yeah, it's a process and to have that ultimate vulnerability of not being in control for however long your flight is apparently that holds the tell-tale truth about somebody's ability to let things go.

Speaker 2: 7:47

I agree. It's interesting. I think too, like man, like you know, when you were talking, like I'm thinking, vulnerability that is the perception, right is like we struggle with vulnerability, like everybody struggles with it, based off of the perception of. I mean, think about like growing up, right, like I know for guys like that are listening or whatnot, like we always hear men don't cry, right, yeah, like that's bullshit. Right like you should have to cry. There might be times right, but like that was so frowned upon at one point, nowadays it's not.

Speaker 2: 8:30

Yeah, you still see it Mental health is more talked about, but it's still out there, right? So that perception, like that toxic perception, more or less, of like well, men shouldn't do this, or like this shouldn't happen and you shouldn't do this, so like, like that makes people take a step back and I don't want to talk about my feelings, which also goes into again the perception of one time I talked about my feelings and like somebody used that information to hurt me later down the road.

Speaker 2: 8:59

So therefore I don't want to do it again, because if I'm vulnerable, so that goes back into the perception, because just because one person was a shit bag, you're expecting other people to be. You know, a scumbag as well too.

Speaker 1: 9:13

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 9:16

When it's really not that reality, right? So I mean, it really is the shaping of our whole reality, like how you live your day-to-day life. Um, you know, like you'll hear people you know my, my favorite thing with it like I always have my clients, I'll be like, well, how many of you? You know like I'll be like how many of you are in a relationship, and then I'll be like, well, what about if your phone goes, if your girlfriend's phone goes off at like 12 o'clock at night? And they'll be like, oh, I better not right and I'm like, but why?

Speaker 2: 9:54

bringing up all the stereotypical yeah right, like it's crazy, because then I'm like but the reality of it all was, it's okay for that to go off, that phone conversation isn't for you. Your perception is telling you that it's something evil, right, it's something bad, so we perceive it that way. So, therefore, we think every incident is that way, you know, I mean, that's why I like this stuff is I think I think perception is the most important avenue for any form of recovery, right? Not just the drugs and alcohol, which I know we're centered around, but, like our mental health, body dysmorphia oh, don't bring it up.

Speaker 2: 10:41

Body dysmorphia. Right Like that's perception, right like I know and I I've said this before. I don't um know if it was on this show or another one, but, um, I'm heavily covered in tattoos because it's such thing, right? Yeah, um, you know, before I had all these tattoos, I'd look in the mirror and be like I don't like this, no matter how much you know, I would overwork out, I would eat different, like do all this stuff?

Speaker 1: 11:11

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:12

And then like by. So my perception was like this isn't. People would be like oh, dude, like you're looking good. I'd be like no, no, I'm not Right. So like I'll cover it with a tattoo because now it looks better and now I feel like I'm always wearing clothes.

Speaker 1: 11:27

Right yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:28

And like I don't think a lot of people understand that, like that's where a lot of tattoos come from, right, right, like a lot of people will get them and be like oh, I like the way this looks, right. Like, yeah, I like the artwork of it, but the reality of it is it goes a little bit deeper if we really dig deeper into it.

Speaker 1: 11:47

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:47

You know what I mean Perception.

Speaker 1: 11:50

Yeah, I mean. So you're talking about that and I'm thinking, when you have these people that are just so reactive, right? Why, like? What is the distress Like? Why can't? Why, oh, humans are interesting little creatures, aren't we? You know, when you think about, like, people's reaction and their distress tolerance skills, or even comprehending what distress tolerance skills are, I mean, it just seems like there is none, because people cannot have the perception of being weak, have the perception of being vulnerable, have the perception of not being loyal, right, because when we live that life, it's like homie. Best talk about his loyalty to me, you know, like it's all wrapped up in there.

Speaker 2: 12:43

So which is funny, right?

Speaker 1: 12:45

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 12:46

Because, like, our definitions are different, right, right, so, god, man, like that's the biggest conflict issue, even in my life. Right? Like, where it boils down to like we both see something different. Right, we're both seeing something same thing, but we're seeing it in a different light. So, like, conflict arises when, in all reality, the message is the same, the, the outcome is probably the same. Um, what we're looking at is the same thing, but like we'll have conflict in there because it's like, well, no, like it should be this or it should be that, you know what.

Speaker 2: 13:29

I mean, like all conflicts are miscommunication and perception.

Speaker 1: 13:33

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 13:33

Right, like any argument I've ever had. I promise you was because of that Right and because, like, let's be honest, is because sometimes you don't want to step back and say maybe I, because, like, let's be honest, it's because sometimes you don't want to step back and say maybe I'm wrong, right where man life is a lot easier when I understand, like man, I'm not right all the time.

Speaker 1: 13:54

I'm wrong a lot. I appreciate being wrong more often than I appreciate being right. When somebody tells me I'm right, I'm like me, is what I don't believe. It don't just whatever thought that is that thinks that you think I'm right. Get rid of it right now. Do your own research.

Speaker 2: 14:06

I think I like the idea of when it's when I am wrong, right. Well, I like the idea of knowing I'm wrong, right.

Speaker 1: 14:14

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 14:15

Well, I can say like even now, like I might be wrong, right when I can say that, and like I think it's interesting to listen to other people's viewpoints on things.

Speaker 1: 14:26

And.

Speaker 2: 14:26

I'll say to them like okay, but why do you believe that? Like, show me Right. And then being open-minded enough to listen to why? Because maybe they are right. Right, I mean, I know.

Speaker 1: 14:43

That's my favorite saying Maybe you're right, maybe you are, I know you're real big into politics. Oh God, you don't like it when I talk about it. I know I hate politics. I have a short amount of time to take over the world. I have to learn things.

Speaker 2: 14:56

It ain't going to be on political terms, but I hate the politics stuff and I hate politics because politics and religion everybody wants to argue and fight over. I know when it's just like man. Can we all just agree? It don't matter what side of the fence you fall on. Correct Right With this stupid two-party system, we have Correct Right. It don't matter what part of the fence we fall on. Our country's fucked. Oh yeah, we're all fucked, but it's the systems.

Speaker 1: 15:30

I mean you, and I know that.

Speaker 2: 15:32

So that's the thing, right. It's the system Right. Our system is broken. I'm glad that you say that right, Because our system has been broken.

Speaker 1: 15:40

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 15:40

Right and yeah right, and it's not that it's, and like we'll always talk about like we should fix things, but my perception right like let's look at, I didn't want to do this right now, I love this I wanted to have your, your guests, come on. We're gonna have a guest come on where we're gonna talk more into this um, oh god, I don't know where you're leading me, but like I'm nervous.

Speaker 2: 16:01

So, like as a kid, right as a juvenile, our perception, really like everybody's perception, was in them times send them to this juvenile placement.

Speaker 1: 16:15

Are you talking about my very best Irene?

Speaker 2: 16:17

Yeah, maybe.

Speaker 1: 16:17

Okay, shout out to my friend Irene, because she's a doll baby.

Speaker 2: 16:21

But like back in them times, like everybody would say, okay, well, like these kids are bad kids and send them away. Nobody ever and I've said this a million times everybody would always say what's wrong with you, correct? Nobody stopped to say, hey, what happened to you? Why are you reacting this way? Right?

Speaker 1: 16:40

And that's what people say about my son, like you know, even my daughter, who's really struggling right now, and like we can't get her in for an evaluation because wait times for these things are so long, right, and we'll be in public and she'll literally be eating her shoe and, uh, you know who knows what else, spinning in a circle on one foot at the same time, right, and people are like what's wrong with your kid?

Speaker 1: 17:02

it's like what's wrong with you in my like what's wrong with your kid, and it's like what's wrong with you and my homes, like what's wrong?

Speaker 2: 17:07

That's why, like I had just learned, well, hold on. Yeah, let me go back so I don't get off topic. This is one of our favorite topics Because I had just learned about this puzzle piece and I'm going to go on a tangent about that. Yes, because I hate that. Now that I understand it so, the autism puzzle piece.

Speaker 1: 17:23

We'll get there in a minute.

Speaker 2: 17:24

Yes, so anyway, so like the perception right, so like when I was a kid, right, Like I went to a juvenile detention center here in this local area, yeah, right, so I'm in this center, and like I remember at least the first week I was there, right.

Speaker 2: 17:46

I don't know what to do, right, and at this time, like you know, like I'm doing these alternative school stuff and everything, but I'm at this juvenile detention center and I don't really know what to do and I'm just kind of like I'm a kid man, like, explain to me what you want me to do, right, Right, I dropped a pencil, right. So I'm like hey, can you give me my pencil to get in front of me? Right? This drill instructor ran across the room, grabbed me by the head, slammed my head through the wall, right, that's beautiful. How the hell was that teaching any child to do anything? All that taught me me? And I remember being there it was like three, four years in where I'm like, dude, the only thing this juvenile detent, like the only thing this that you have taught me is how to run faster, how to be stronger, and like now like I'm over it right, and like I getting into like a couple restraints in that day. I was just having a bad day, right, but like it's another one of my favorite topic child restraints.

Speaker 2: 18:51

But why, right, Like that's the other thing. So I remember.

Speaker 1: 18:55

Laws are so backwards.

Speaker 2: 18:56

I have this day right. Four or five restraints, I'm in. Finally, this one drill instructor, Ludwig, was his last name oh boy. I love him, love him to death. Oh great, okay, he was the only one, him, and there was a guy, staff Sergeant Lucas, right. So these two come over and they sat down and they're like dude, why are we doing this? And I'm like I don't know, like I, just it's a day, like I don't want to be here.

Speaker 2: 19:32

I don't want to do this anymore. I'm over it. Right, they didn't try to restrain me. They didn't fight with me. In fact, they took me over to the chow hall so we could eat, right.

Speaker 1: 19:44

That's right. Food fixes nearly everything.

Speaker 2: 19:47

Absolutely right. So they sat down and like we talked about why I'm really struggling and there was a deeper issue, right. It was an issue like I was having problems with you know, I wanted to see my mom, you know like bigger issue and like I was just pissed and like finally, it was what was wrong, right. So now I look at the system now. How in the hell does anybody think this is working?

Speaker 1: 20:18

mixed reviews. I have so many. You find a diamond in the rough every now and again.

Speaker 1: 20:23

Yeah, so the restrictions that I have? Do you eat up your child and not work? No little humans are both my favorite and my least favorite animals. I believe that I am just from outer space and I am an alien and that's why I don't fit in mostly. But the things that I learn in crisis training for adults, the things that we learn about laws and behaviors and restrictions on what we can do as inpatient mental health professionals right, yeah, Putting our hands on somebody I better have a good reason. I better have a good reason.

Speaker 1: 21:03

And there's been a ton of times where I've just kind of let people punch me because, like so many different feelings, Like there was one person that ended up hitting me and I was like you know what, they know me, they feel comfortable with me because they are not in a correct psychological state of mind, and like the fact that they could somehow bring a loose association to me to get that close. Yeah, you know what I mean. Now, I made some mistakes to allow them to get so close. But like the police come to talk to you afterwards, right, Inpatient mental health, the police come talk to you afterwards. Would you like to file charges? The answer is no, not never, no, not ever you know, yeah, why would know?

Speaker 1: 21:44

well there's. There are some times where I'm like, yeah, like we had, uh, like a couple years back, we had a terrible incident on the unit where, um you know, covid had shut down, so the jails had shut down and they didn't know what to do with some people you know, so they brought a guy in who was already being arrested on attempt of murder. Should have never landed on our unit, ended up really getting behind and strangling somebody, right, and it was not cool. I mean, that's a little different.

Speaker 2: 22:13

It's a little different, but I mean, those are the things that you know, so I've got to have a good reason, and 90% of the time, it has nothing to do with me.

Speaker 1: 22:24

It has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do with me, and and I don't care what you want to call me either you call me something that's not my name Great, yeah, I don't care. You know what I mean, because I'm here in that situation to be a professional, and then that's my, that's my value. That I have, though Like that's the perception that I have, is like in those moments I'm there for that person. Right, I have, though like that's the perception that I have, is like in those moments I'm there for that person. Right, I have the ability, right, thank god, or whoever you believe in, that I even have that ability. The amount of drugs that I put into my system are mixed together, or situations I put myself in. I mean, like I'm honestly lucky to even be sitting here you know.

Speaker 2: 23:03

So give or take, like there's been situations where, working in this field, where I haven't reacted, the best right well, of course, we're still human yeah, yeah, where it's like uh, you know I've had it's. It's a combination of things, right, because unfortunately, you know, we're expected, when I go to work, leave your personal life at home, correct. Well, when everything's blowing up in your personal life and I'm now trying to help you fix your life, Right.

Speaker 2: 23:35

And you're yelling like, and I've had a guy yell at me. Finally I'm like dude, fuck this Like and like. It's unprofessional.

Speaker 1: 23:42

Right, and I'm like you know what're at, they're you know what I'm like.

Speaker 2: 23:45

You know what, like I apologize like I shouldn't. Um, there are times where, like, I'll have to step back and be like you know what. I apologize because I'm not the one that should be talking to you like this right, because I do believe so much, so heavily, in the what happened to you right Right. Right, Not what's wrong with you, what happened to you. And it's a fantastic book too, if you ever read it. There's a book, Oprah and Some Doctor.

Speaker 2: 24:14

I love that yeah, so it's actually a really good book. You should read it.

Speaker 1: 24:19

Put it on my Amazon list.

Speaker 2: 24:21

And that's the name of it. Is what Happened to you and they talk about this. I'm a long list and that's the name of it. Is what happened to you and they talk about. This is like asking people that, because that shapes your reality.

Speaker 1: 24:30

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 24:31

Right, like I used to work. I worked with some human trafficking victims before. It's rough, it was not nice, it was awful, it was awful Right, but it gave me a new light on things. Right, but like their perception right is, um, they're gonna be harmed because of, like certain things, right. So you take, like sex abuse victims and maybe the human trafficking one is a little extreme, but just the average normal sex abuse victim, right, and a lot of females have to feel this, unfortunately. Where you know, if you go to Walmart late at night, you have to worry about where you park your car. Right, because your perception of somebody could grab me and take me or somebody could do. In fact, there's a whole channel, right, the ID channel is dedicated purely to this right, purely to you should fear this as a woman, right, like, which is crazy.

Speaker 1: 25:41

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 25:41

Because, like, you and I are not going to have the same perception. Right, where, like, late at night, you know, if I want to walk over to Sheetz, I'm just going to walk up to Sheetz, right, I don't really care what time of night it is, because that doesn't bother me. Right when, you know, if I tell my girlfriend like, hey, can you walk up to Sheetz, she's going to be like, no, like it's 2 o'clock in the morning. I'm not doing that. Like, I'll drive up, right, different perception. Right, because she has to worry about different kinds of dangers that I don't. Vice versa, right, yeah, like you have to, there's not some dangers that you don't that you have, that I have to worry about. So, like again, that's all of our perception on how we do things. Right, yeah, I keep drinking water out of this water bottle with this straw. My perception is I don't want people to watch this and next thing, you know, they're going to be thinking we're P Diddy over here.

Speaker 1: 26:47

Oh my God, Jesus Christ, is it R Kelly? You're looking for P Diddy. I'm not up to date on all the P Diddy shenanigans.

Speaker 2: 26:56

I really I don't know, but those memes are killing me I know and I'm interested.

Speaker 1: 27:01

I can't wait for that. I'm still on, I can't wait for that. I'm still quiet on the set right now Speaking of ID Network. I'm quiet on the set right now and when I move on to P Diddy I'll let you know. But I mean talk about childhood trauma, I mean so puzzle piece oh yeah, Just like preface know that I somewhat already know about this and I ultimately do not have anything to do with this organization. Yikes.

Speaker 2: 27:29

That's a perception, yeah, and that's something I just learned, right. So, like I had just learned, this is like I used to think that, like you know a puzzle piece, like it's a missing piece, like it's cool, think that, like you know a puzzle piece, like it's a missing piece, like it's cool, and then, like it was brought to my attention by somebody, they were like why, why am I missing piece, what's missing? Why am I broken?

Speaker 2: 27:55

yep I'm not missing a piece and I'm like, yeah, that's right, you know, I'm like that's right, you know, I'm like that's, that's, that's right. And like looking at that, because this is the month right. Or it was what autism, day or month, or something yeah the other day.

Speaker 2: 28:12

And like, looking at that, I was like wow, like that's crazy, and like so, like our perception, like my perception changed on that Cause. I and so like our perception, like my perception changed on that, because I used to look at that organization, like we should support them, like that's a good organization, and then like, and again, not being affected by it, I never really looked into it. So once it was brought to my attention, like boom, and then I look into it and I'm like oh, these are the people that are saying like you know, yeah, people can do their own research here.

Speaker 2: 28:45

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Like some crazy stuff that I'm like yo, I'm good, like I'm not doing that, no more, right, so like that's how perception should work, though, right, right.

Speaker 1: 28:57

I mean as I.

Speaker 2: 28:59

Like you can feel things yeah, right. And like we say all the time, your feelings aren't real, right, right. Your feelings are based off of perception. That's why they're not real. They're valid, just not real, right, right. And sometimes it's not even about that. You just want to feel heard, right, absolutely so.

Speaker 1: 29:17

What's the need and what's the want.

Speaker 2: 29:18

Right, right time. What's the need, what's the want? Is it security and belonging it usually is.

Speaker 1: 29:41

You know, ain't that big, but, like gosh, I remember.

Speaker 1: 29:45

Okay, I just want remember each of the most impactful I keep hitting this employees that helped me, like I remember who was at the hospital with me, fact you know, like I remember waking up because I was just kind of dropped outside the ER and I remember like coming to, you know, coming to a med detox bed at Mercy Hospital and there was this same psych guy there and he was like, oh, nicole, you're being rough right now. I'm like, oh, I don't want to do this anymore. He's actually changing my diaper for me right now because I'm so out of it. I have so many other chemicals inside me from them trying to help me through this. I can't get out of this.

Speaker 2: 30:29

Detox is always.

Speaker 1: 30:30

Right, I can't get out of this bed. I'm in a physical hospital and that's what made it probably nicer than any other time is because I was in a hospital where, like you know how it is at detox, rehabs which I appreciate, that process right, Like make it hurt a little bit. You've got to be uncomfortable a little bit for any sort of change to happen.

Speaker 2: 30:47

So, like, I'm fine with how rehabs do it honestly, Just stop doing that I know, but I'm not doing that no more now, like that's bullshit. I mean I hate it right? Because like nowadays, like I remember sitting in detox, shitting and pissing and puking on myself yeah, I'll never forget it.

Speaker 1: 31:04

Right, right. And now you know nurses around in there.

Speaker 2: 31:06

Now you know comfort meds, really, yeah, comfort meds. Now it's like we baby them, right, and it's like you know, oh, here's a blanket, here's this. You know, I remember.

Speaker 1: 31:19

We'll give them a warm blankie.

Speaker 2: 31:21

Yeah, I remember sitting here like pissing and shitting on myself, literally vomiting my hair. I'm like I need to take a shower yeah. And like the nurse just looked at me and she said why You're just going to keep doing it. She's like just go sweat it out, you'll be fine. You can shower when you're done.

Speaker 1: 31:39

Did you get sober at turning point? Yeah, I'm like that story sounds familiar.

Speaker 2: 31:47

I turning point. Yeah, yeah, that story sounds familiar. I was like whatever and I went and I you know, and I did. I just crawled curled up in the bed right and stuff. The only thing I like about it now is we have a detox for meth right there.

Speaker 1: 31:59

Never used to be one, because like you're not physically detoxing from it but the psychological damages are things that I have never seen before you need to go to bed right.

Speaker 2: 32:10

So, like, that's cool, it's like now we have the detox for all. Right, man, come go to bed right, because, like man, that shit's really killing people honestly, I never touched it and I'm very thankful for that.

Speaker 1: 32:24

Oh boy, I'm dead. I've just always been so hyper and I'm that person that's like what's wrong with you? You're a bad kid, can't you act like a good girl, you know, like that whole thing. That was me. Sit down, be quiet, stop touching. That was me. And so when meth was introduced to me, I was like I nope, don't want that feeling. That doesn't sound like something that I need.

Speaker 2: 32:52

I think I need the opposite of that yeah, I went off to the races, but like I didn't have an impulse control, yeah right, because I think that's another thing and with a lot of this is like a lack of impulse or an overaction of impulse.

Speaker 2: 33:08

I have a friend of mine that often reminds me of the times that we were in school, because I didn't really go to school that long before I was shipped out of there. But you know, he reminds me of like I remember like you just jumped out of the back of the bus one day and I'm like, yeah, he's like why would you do that? And I'm like I don't know man Sounds like something Like I was sitting there with my cousin and Cody he's passed away now and Cody was like bro, just jump out of the back. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. Because the bus driver was like I'm going to turn around. Cody's like dude, just jump out the back, okay, right. And like that lack of impulse, right, I just did shit without thinking. And I think that that's where a lot of our addictions come from. Yeah, and perceptions, right, yeah, the perceptions of things like when we just do shit and it gets us hemmed up even worse than where we were.

Speaker 1: 34:11

Yeah, you know Well like. So I got sober right and the people were wonderful at Mercy. I'm burning, I mean honestly. But then I went to.

Speaker 2: 34:21

Turning Point right, and so I spent.

Speaker 1: 34:23

I think I spent like 112 days at Turning Point that last time and I remember like when you go into rehab you're trying to like soup yourself up, you're trying to be like fit in, you try to fit in the best, you know how to do and and we're all just strung out peacocks. So you know. So I was doing my things and I remember miss genie and so if you ever been to turning point, had the pleasure of meeting miss genie I mean I think at the time that I was in turning point she was 89 years old, maybe the alligator, oh my god. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 34:55

Well, for me it was um a boom, chicka boom, and if you didn't boom, chicka, boom, you were boom hitting the street. She didn't give not two shits about you. Oh god, I love it. Well, she heard me run in my mouth and I would always wear this like crazy, crazy makeup and and wild clothing mostly that I stole because I was homeless before I got in there, and she was like look at you with your makeup, you look like you're going to a drag show.

Speaker 2: 35:27

Right, right right.

Speaker 1: 35:28

She's like you spent two and a half hours doing your makeup. It's community meeting. You are still in your pajamas, so it's going to take you even more time to put on those absolutely ridiculous clothes that you brought with you to this rehab. And I was like like my jaw had just like no one had ever spoken to me like that before and so like. So I'm standing up, everybody's kind of looking at me now because she's very, I mean, and silently like, and so what do you? You know very therapeutic voice, and Miss Bev was there, which was another like huge impact on me, and Carrie, and I just like my jaws open and she was like everybody.

Speaker 1: 36:07

Nicole, as you probably know from her announcing, has been to 15 rehabs before this one. So, nicole, since you would like attention, we would like to know what is going to make number 16 different. Go ahead and lighten us. And I was like and I remember just like just staring at her because, like, embarrassment is one of my biggest uncomfortabilities, and so I'm, oh gosh, it's just so Like, I'm like starting to cry and she's like, oh, does this bother you? Because I've spilled more heroin on the ground than you've probably ever seen in your life, and I'm here to tell you that you're not important, and I was like, oh God, and I cried, for I cried so long.

Speaker 2: 36:51

Did that give you motivation?

Speaker 1: 36:54

No.

Speaker 2: 36:54

I remember Marty did that to me, it humbled me. Oh man, marty said those same words to me, but with alcohol, right. Yeah, because Marty was like dude, I spilled more alcohol than you drank, because I got sober young, right?

Speaker 1: 37:07

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 37:08

I did the same thing you did and I was like I'm like go fuck yourself right. I'm like who the fuck is this guy? And I remember Marty just started laughing at me and I'm just sitting there and I'm like I'm just a good alcoholic, I didn't spill mine.

Speaker 2: 37:24

And I'm coming up with these little comebacks and I told him one time I said well, you know what, marty, I said if you wouldn't have spilled your alcohol, you would have got sober quicker too sooner than than you did. He just smiled at me and he said you know, someday you might get sober in spite of yourself. He's like, he's like, but you know, for now he's like. You know you're going fucking long term, have a good day. And I was like this guy right. But man, yeah, marty was the impact in my life. Yeah, I heard Pickles trying to come through the door.

Speaker 1: 38:05

I mean he does. I mean I would like him to live in here. I'm sad that he's not in here anymore.

Speaker 2: 38:09

He's my homie, yeah, which oddly enough listen if you guys are listening. We're like 38 minutes in this, so if you're still listening, we just got a bird and you can hear him. Right, I can hear him. So that would be Pablo.

Speaker 1: 38:28

He deserves his own TikTok. I think that you should. I was telling Leah you should decorate his cage in like like jailhouse type of aesthetic and get him a little hat and we'll start him a little Instagram hashtag free Pablo I love that.

Speaker 2: 38:43

His name's Pablo. I love that, but yeah, so you know, that's just Pablo, which the cat's not too happy that he's here, so he's trying to come through the door.

Speaker 1: 38:56

We've invaded his space.

Speaker 2: 38:59

Yeah, I figure we might as well announce the noises so people don't.

Speaker 1: 39:01

I don't know if they're going to be able to hear it, whatever.

Speaker 2: 39:06

But with that being said, though, it is 38 minutes long. We're going to try to keep these one-on-ones short and, to be honest with you, all I'm going to do is go change my clothes, and we're going to record another one.

Speaker 1: 39:16

I think that we should really go back to that system conversation that we were having, because it is my favorite topic.

Speaker 2: 39:23

Put it on your note card.

Speaker 1: 39:24

I have lots of things on my note card and we didn't Put it on your note card. I didn't talk about any of these things.

Speaker 2: 39:29

I was so organized Well let me go change my clothes and we'll record another one and we'll talk about it. But yeah, hey, man, listen, I hope that you guys enjoy the set that we're doing here. I got new couches coming, so before anybody, we're the same chairs right Like I've got new chairs.

Speaker 1: 39:48

I love these chairs, but I don't. At the same time, they came from my mom's winery.

Speaker 2: 39:52

Okay, I really liked it better. She used to have a winery and I have no idea why she had this.

Speaker 1: 39:56

I believe in my brain and you can't take it away from me, because it's my perception that they came from a rehab and their rehab chairs.

Speaker 2: 40:05

Sure.

Speaker 1: 40:06

That fits our aesthetic a little better.

Speaker 2: 40:08

But we got some purple chairs coming, so hopefully this background and hopefully the sound sounds better.

Speaker 1: 40:20

We this is kind of we really didn't we did a half-ass sound check.

Speaker 2: 40:22

We're doing our very best that we can't. Yeah, these lights are crazy, though I feel like I got sunburned you're cooking me.

Speaker 1: 40:27

I'm irish it.

Speaker 2: 40:29

It is 10 times hotter in here than it is out there my hair's just gonna po to poof, turn red again. But yeah, man. So as always, though as always, we only got three episodes in. But as always, listen I, you could have been anywhere in the world today and you chose to continue to be here with us. Greatly appreciate you. The support is crazy, Like.

Speaker 1: 40:55

I can't believe it.

Speaker 2: 40:56

Yeah, I can't believe it. Yeah, I can't believe it Right now. Every time I look, it's insane.

Speaker 1: 41:05

I didn't know if we would get 100 subscribers, let alone.

Speaker 2: 41:08

Subscribers, let alone. I think we're at 1,300.

Speaker 1: 41:12

Yeah, Our videos. The videos are crazy.

Speaker 2: 41:16

Listen, man, I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 1: 41:17

I didn't have a lot of faith in us, honestly, so I appreciate everybody I believe in us, but I know that we are absolutely nothing if nobody watches. Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 41:30

So I agree Like share, subscribe. You'll hear me say could have been anywhere in the world today, but you chose to be here with us and I appreciate you more than anything for continuing to stay here. Like I said, when it's just a me and Nicole episode and not an interview episode, we are going to keep these below 45 minutes.

Speaker 1: 41:51

We're going to try.

Speaker 2: 41:52

Try our hardest.

Speaker 1: 41:53

We pay for airtime, do we? We do who?

Speaker 2: 41:56

are we paying?

Speaker 1: 41:57

The RSS people.

Speaker 2: 42:02

Oh, I didn't know that. That's how podcasts work. Yeah, I'm just. You live in your best room. We're not randomly talking, no, you're fine I didn't know that we were paying shit. Okay, so, yeah, so yeah, so I guess we're definitely going to cut it down.

Speaker 1: 42:28

So, anyway, like us subscribe, to us share it you know, keep Happy Hour happy.

Speaker 2: 42:32

Get us a sponsor.

Speaker 1: 42:33

We are currently accepting applications to sponsorship.

Speaker 2: 42:37

We need some sponsors. But yeah, man, so greatly appreciate it. Thank you for listening and have a good day.

Speaker 1: 42:44

Keep happy, our happy, happy you exist.

Speaker 2: 42:47

Thank you for watching.